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  • Writer's picturePatrick

Part 1. How to make coffee if...

Number 1: You happen to be on active duty in the middle of conducting a boat raid from a zodiac that's only partially inflated and your coxswain totally failed the surf-passage which means you waded to shore the last 20 meters dragging your boat and not feeling cool or dangerous at all.

  1. Establish security on the beach and assume the prone position behind an M4 that is going to rust so badly from the salt water that it will take days of your life to clean it.

  2. Reach into the left shoulder pocket of your cammies and pull out one of the instant coffee packets you saved from your MRE, or the packet from your buddies MRE that you bartered the cheese spread for.

  3. Tear open with your teeth since your hands are too numb to grip the tab.

  4. Shake the instant coffee into your mouth and chew it relishing the slightly salty taste from the sea water that covers everything.

  5. Or...pack it into your lip as if it were dip in order to pretend like doing so will slowly release the caffeine and help keep you awake for the next 24 hours of hypothermia.

  6. Repeat until you run out of coffee and have to transition to Tabasco Sauce.

Number 2: You are a specialty coffee fanatic who needs coffee approximately every 2hrs in order not to fall asleep at the wheel and you insist on only drinking single origin coffee despite the fact that you are on a road trip through the middle of nowhere passing only gas stations who use the same formaldehyde drenched coffee grounds for 5 batches in a row before replacing them with newish formaldehyde drenched grounds that tasted like they were roasted in someone's hiking boot after they contracted trench foot.

  1. As you are nodding off at the wheel pull over at a gas station pretending like it's because you need gas but really because you have the smallest bladder in the car and need coffee.

  2. Gas up the car to save face then sprint inside to the bathroom. On your way out, fill up a special thermos with hot water from their coffee machine trying not to look suspicious.

  3. Return to the car and pull out your trusty silicone pour over cone that you last used backpacking in Death Valley and forgot to wash. Set it up on the back bumper of your car with your filter, thermos, freshly roasted Ad Astra whole bean coffee from Kenya with notes of caramelized sugar, grapefruit, and cherry, and a porlex hand grinder, because seriously, who doesn't carry one of these around.

  4. Rinse the filter with hot water, then start grinding the beans in the Porlex while looking around the gas station parking lot nonchalantly and reassuring your waiting wife and children that really all of this is totally normal behavior.

  5. Dump the beans into the filter and using your favorite pulse pouring technique (see, I'm not making this up) pour water through the grounds into your freshly unwashed ceramic mug that will spill all over the interior of your car but at least it does not taste like a travel mug.

  6. Get back on the road and enjoy the fresh cup of coffee that tastes disconcertingly like Death Valley dust, gasoline, and...America.

To be continued!

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